By our guest reporter Nicolas Anelka
I am Nicolas Anelka, the well known captain of France. This is my World Cup diary…

Day One
Landed in South Africa and drove to training camp in a big bus. As I am captain I sat at the front next to Mr Domenech. Ribéry was at the back singing rude songs about someone called Carla. Sent text to Fat Uncle Frank to tell him about it.

Merde! I have to share the room with Thierry Henri and Ribéry. Mr Domenech said I should keep an eye on Thierry because he is sad.
I’m not sure I like them at all. Ribéry makes nasty smells and then boasts about it. (Uncle Frank sent text to say that he has same problem with Rooney, who is using his bed as a trampoline). Thierry is miserable all the time because no one in Ireland likes him. I said ‘Why do you care?’ ‘Ireland are not even at the World Cup’. He did not cheer up.

The hotel in training camp is tres bon. There is a swimming pool with a slide.
At breakfast there is cereal in little boxes. Coco Pops is my favourite. At night the maid turns back my sheets and puts un petit chocolat on my pillow and I eat it all up while I watch TV and try to block the sound of Thierry weeping in the other room. He is always muttering about ‘Karma’.

Day Two
Today we trained really hard. I told the Mr Domenech I was very fatigué and did not want to kick the ball anymore. He got cross and said I had to kick it some more. I think he is stinky, and I’m not sure I like him at all. I told Ribéry, but he called me “princess”. I don’t like Ribéry either.

I noticed when I was saying my prayers that Thierry was watching me. Ribéry just watches rude films all evening.

Day Four
I cannot believe it Ribéry deliberately ate all the Coco Pops at breakfast before I got there. He is a fat pig and I told him so.

Today we had a press conference. Mr Domenech was very serious and made a speech about what a great privilege it was to be here. As captain I had to sit next to him. Some of the questions were quite hard. I drew a good cartoon picture of Ribéry on my notepad.

Thierry came and said bedtime prayers with me this evening. I said I was praying that there would be enough Coco Pops at breakfast. He said was he praying for ‘redemption’. Uncle Frank texted to say that Thierry was in a ‘bad place’. But I don’t think our hotel is that bad.

Day Five
First game today against Uruguay. We are all very excited. Even Thierry managed a smile. I forgot my boots and had to borrow some. Mr Domenech was very snappy with me.

We drew the game. The Uruguanians were very nice afterwards, and only a bit gay I thought. Vuvuzelas gave me a big headache and I was sick in the coach on the way back to the hotel.

Je suis desolée, Ribéry ate my little pillow choccy. Thierry is desolée too, I think he is one snail short of a full bag of snails. He spends all evening washing his hands over and over again.

Day Six
That’s it I have had it with Ribéry. He put a fake doggy-doo made of pillow chocolat in my boots. I went and told Mr Domenech but he just shouted at me about the “honour of playing for my country” and how I was not taking the World Cup seriously. He does not have to share a room with Ribéry.

Day Seven
Hah! Managed to beat Ribéry to the Coco Pops by getting up at 4am. He sneered and said he would make his own Coco-pops with his bottom.
Played a South American team I think it was Mexico. Coach was shouting at me during the game but I couldn’t hear because of the cotton wool I had put in my ears so I just shrugged my shoulders. At half time he was cranky but I just ate my orange.
Got a good seat on the bus on the way back.
Waited outside in corridor for maid to get my choccy. Great day!

Day Eight
I cannot believe it. The coach has shouted at me at training for no reason. It was not my fault that our room bill was so large. It was Ribéry that watched all those films and it was Ribéry that emptied the mini-bar, twice. I do not even like Pringles.

Thierry is behaving very strangely. He is running around the edge of the pool like an aeroplane and laughing like a hyena. It looked like a good game so I tried to join in but he just ran away.

I cannot believe it. The coach has just called me into his room and said I am going home early. I was shocked as I think we still have to play another game. He said he didn’t need me and something about ‘loyalty’. I said ‘bof’. That I didn’t care.

Later Ribéry whispered some very rude things about the coach in my ear, and patted me on the back. Maybe Ribéry is not so bad after all.

Day Nine
Uncle Frank texted me to say he was sorry I was going home and that Rooney was driving him mad.

Plane was very nice. And guess what! they have hot towels! Not the big sort that we have in the team bath that Ribéry uses to whip peoples bottoms. I do not like it. No these are small towels that you rub on your face and it feels all tingly.

Day Ten
Team is playing South Africa. Watched the first half, then went for a walk. I miss Ribéry even though he is a stinker.

Day 11
I was taken to see the French President and his wife today. She is very nice but has a bit of a stoop. He is quite short and has big shiny shoes. He says he is going to have an investigation and that it was a national disgrace. I said that was a good idea. I said we need to find out why there were not enough Coco Pops at the hotel.

Day 12
Quiet day at home.

Nicolas