By Mungo MacIntyre
The Ochentosh Adviser asked Susan Boyle, the well known singer and runner-up of ‘Britains’ Got Talent’ to review Scotland’s chances in the World Cup. Here’s what she said..
So I’ve trudged, ankle deep, through the purple heather, along the glen, through the peaty bog, across the babbling burn, past the Two Ways Inn, by the video shop, and the homeless shelter, to the Happy Shopper to get some Tartan lager, a pork pie, and a packet of Bensons. And, suitably nourished, I’m now sat here in the snug, with my terrier, Hansen, curled up at my feet.
Hansen just loves world cup football. Every time a team score against England he yaps excitedly and jumps in the air. And when Wayne Rooney’s ugly mug is on the telly, I sing “Rooooooney” and Hansen goes wild and barks at the TV. That Hansen is a little scamp! I’ve no idea what Hansen does when Scotland play in the World Cup, but then I’ve only had him for twelve years.
You know they say that pets look like their owners, and I think it might be true! After all Hansen has dark, stubbly, hair all over his body and I do too.
Well I remember as a wee girl sitting on my Da’s lap while he told me stories about how Scotland once went to the World Cup and England didn’ae. Yes it’s true, it happened in nineteen-hundred and seventy-eight. My Da said Scotland have been to World Cup again since but always can’t wait to get straight back home again.
Anyhow, how did your teams do yesterday? Did you sing “Allez Les Bleus” or maybe “Allez a votre pays de domicile you froggy whingeurs”?
It’s squeaky bum time tonight for the Socceroos and also for England. Will Wayne Rooney surprise everyone – by stringing together another complete sentence for the fans?
Anyone But England,
By our guest reporter Nicolas Anelka
I am Nicolas Anelka, the well known captain of France. This is my World Cup diary…
Landed in South Africa and drove to training camp in a big bus. As I am captain I sat at the front next to Mr Domenech. Ribéry was at the back singing rude songs about someone called Carla. Sent text to Fat Uncle Frank to tell him about it.
Merde! I have to share the room with Thierry Henri and Ribéry. Mr Domenech said I should keep an eye on Thierry because he is sad.
I’m not sure I like them at all. Ribéry makes nasty smells and then boasts about it. (Uncle Frank sent text to say that he has same problem with Rooney, who is using his bed as a trampoline). Thierry is miserable all the time because no one in Ireland likes him. I said ‘Why do you care?’ ‘Ireland are not even at the World Cup’. He did not cheer up.
The hotel in training camp is tres bon. There is a swimming pool with a slide.
At breakfast there is cereal in little boxes. Coco Pops is my favourite. At night the maid turns back my sheets and puts un petit chocolat on my pillow and I eat it all up while I watch TV and try to block the sound of Thierry weeping in the other room. He is always muttering about ‘Karma’.
Today we trained really hard. I told the Mr Domenech I was very fatigué and did not want to kick the ball anymore. He got cross and said I had to kick it some more. I think he is stinky, and I’m not sure I like him at all. I told Ribéry, but he called me “princess”. I don’t like Ribéry either.
I noticed when I was saying my prayers that Thierry was watching me. Ribéry just watches rude films all evening.
I cannot believe it Ribéry deliberately ate all the Coco Pops at breakfast before I got there. He is a fat pig and I told him so.
Today we had a press conference. Mr Domenech was very serious and made a speech about what a great privilege it was to be here. As captain I had to sit next to him. Some of the questions were quite hard. I drew a good cartoon picture of Ribéry on my notepad.
Thierry came and said bedtime prayers with me this evening. I said I was praying that there would be enough Coco Pops at breakfast. He said was he praying for ‘redemption’. Uncle Frank texted to say that Thierry was in a ‘bad place’. But I don’t think our hotel is that bad.
First game today against Uruguay. We are all very excited. Even Thierry managed a smile. I forgot my boots and had to borrow some. Mr Domenech was very snappy with me.
We drew the game. The Uruguanians were very nice afterwards, and only a bit gay I thought. Vuvuzelas gave me a big headache and I was sick in the coach on the way back to the hotel.
Je suis desolée, Ribéry ate my little pillow choccy. Thierry is desolée too, I think he is one snail short of a full bag of snails. He spends all evening washing his hands over and over again.
That’s it I have had it with Ribéry. He put a fake doggy-doo made of pillow chocolat in my boots. I went and told Mr Domenech but he just shouted at me about the “honour of playing for my country” and how I was not taking the World Cup seriously. He does not have to share a room with Ribéry.
Hah! Managed to beat Ribéry to the Coco Pops by getting up at 4am. He sneered and said he would make his own Coco-pops with his bottom.
Played a South American team I think it was Mexico. Coach was shouting at me during the game but I couldn’t hear because of the cotton wool I had put in my ears so I just shrugged my shoulders. At half time he was cranky but I just ate my orange.
Got a good seat on the bus on the way back.
Waited outside in corridor for maid to get my choccy. Great day!
I cannot believe it. The coach has shouted at me at training for no reason. It was not my fault that our room bill was so large. It was Ribéry that watched all those films and it was Ribéry that emptied the mini-bar, twice. I do not even like Pringles.
Thierry is behaving very strangely. He is running around the edge of the pool like an aeroplane and laughing like a hyena. It looked like a good game so I tried to join in but he just ran away.
I cannot believe it. The coach has just called me into his room and said I am going home early. I was shocked as I think we still have to play another game. He said he didn’t need me and something about ‘loyalty’. I said ‘bof’. That I didn’t care.
Later Ribéry whispered some very rude things about the coach in my ear, and patted me on the back. Maybe Ribéry is not so bad after all.
Uncle Frank texted me to say he was sorry I was going home and that Rooney was driving him mad.
Plane was very nice. And guess what! they have hot towels! Not the big sort that we have in the team bath that Ribéry uses to whip peoples bottoms. I do not like it. No these are small towels that you rub on your face and it feels all tingly.
Team is playing South Africa. Watched the first half, then went for a walk. I miss Ribéry even though he is a stinker.
I was taken to see the French President and his wife today. She is very nice but has a bit of a stoop. He is quite short and has big shiny shoes. He says he is going to have an investigation and that it was a national disgrace. I said that was a good idea. I said we need to find out why there were not enough Coco Pops at the hotel.
Quiet day at home.
by Mungo MacIntyre
As tensions rise on the Korean peninsula, I recall my first visit to North Korea in 2010 when I was granted an interview with the president himself…
Greetings Comrades, I am Kim Jong Il the well known ‘Glorious Leader’ of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea.
We say ‘People’s Republic’, but you know we only use the term loosely. After all you don’t really want lots of ‘people’ running your republic with their dirty feet on the ‘peoples’ palace carpets and their snotty nosed kids wiping their hands on the ‘peoples’ nice new leather sofas.
North Korea has much in common with the UK. Not only do we both have unelected leaders, but we both like to tuck into a nice hot dog on a Saturday night.
I often play centre forward for the peoples’ team and, if I blow my own trumpet for a moment, I’m pretty handy. In one domestic game I scored six goals and everyone said I was a gifted player, even the referee. Of course sometimes I miss the goal and then I get a bit cranky and go back to the peoples’ palace, taking the peoples’ football with me. I am only human after all.
When I get cranky I like to relax with a summary execution. Last time the condemned man asked me if he could choose his firing squad. I said “Sure”. He wanted Emille Heskey, Wayne Rooney, and Frank Lampard. How we all laughed. Well I laughed, him not so much.
Baa, We’re Dolly the sheep the well known cloned, wooly, ruminant mammals from New Zealand.
We hear that in Australia you are struggling to understand the rules of soccer. Is a blatant handball on the goal line allowed or not? Why is a two futted flying-kick into the back of a hapless sausage-muncher a red card? Why do the drop-kicks have to go under the bar into a nit? It’s hard, usn’t ut, to comprihund the rules of the world game. Imagine then, how ut uz for us, as the new soccer Winderkund nation. Not only do we not know one end of a shun pad from the other, we are ipparently gufted at the sport! Strange for a nation which is ugnorant of the FILA World Cup. Obviously we know some things; we know that the FILA world cup takes place every year, and we know that England are good at penalty shoot-outs, especially their star striker Emille Husky. Anyhow, our good bro Chup, has asked us to run his tupping comp. Did you tup Portugal to stuff siven past North Korea? Are you predicting a warm welcome from Kum Jong Ul when the plucky Koreans return to their glorious homeland? We have keyed in the results with our little even-toed ungulate hooves but we may have made some mistakes so please chuck. Dolly and Dolly
Roly Bunce was one of the last journalists to interview Nelson Mandela shortly before the 2010 World Cup
Hello my friends, I’m the well-known South African president Nelson Mandela,
My good friend Charlize Theron has asked me to run her World Cup tipping competition.She was too busy to do it, she is having her vuvuzela tuned. Apparently it was making a funny noise when you blew into it! Anyhow, someone called “Chip” has keyed in the results but we cannot trust Chip’s work. I’m told that’s because “his head is flatter than the Socceroos back four and he is just as slow”. Keep blowing your vuvuzela, my friends