Category: Local news

Smug Epidemic Hits UK

by Jed Tangent

An epidemic of smug is headed for Scotland with doctors advising people take precautions to protect themselves from this debilitating virus.

smug epidemicThe UK had two million confirmed cases of smug last year. But Smug expert Dr Monty Derringer, 42, says this spring he expects that figure could rise by 25 per cent.

“This year has all the hallmarks of a peak season,” Derringer says. The higher than usual smug activity, according to Doctor Derringer is due to the clement weather.

“Warm days allow smug people to spread the virus,” says Derringer. “Barbecues, cocktail parties, or just a drink in the pub. There’s always a miasma of smugness in the air.”

Vegan cyclists are 90% more likely to suffer from smug

Studies show that certain groups are much more likely to contract smug. Cyclists are one group, also vegans. Vegan cyclists are 90% more likely to suffer from smug than more ordinary people.

“A lot of people don’t take smug seriously,” he says. “The worst thing is that you might have smug for years and not realise it.”

Other at risk groups include; Chelsea supporters, people who do Yoga,  and Ed Sheeran.

Infection control expert at the University of Strathgarry, Professor Sienna Pecan, says it’s difficult to avoid catching smug if you aren’t prepared.

“Smug is transmitted orally and non-orally. The spread of smug from a carrier, can travel up to 25 metres,” she says.

Professor Pecan explains that an infected person could be sitting on the same train as you and be spreading smug without any obvious sign, which is one of the reasons it’s so difficult to control.

“You have to be vigilant,” she says. “Just ignore that man talking about his new Mercedes, as virus particles can get up your nose.”

Doctors are encouraging us to consider our families and work colleagues if we feel the onset smug-like symptoms like superiority or self-importance. Pecan recommends vigilant hand washing, and humbleness therapy.

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Man finds bride using mobile phone

by Harry Beast

Minchie man, Ernest Crop, 62, wipes away a tear as he tells the heart-warming tale of how he found the love of his life using just his mobile phone.

“Marrying Consuela is the most fantastic thing that ever happened to me,” says Ernest, sitting next to his wife in the kitchen of their Minchie maisonette. Ernest works as a chartered accountant for a local firm.

“And to find this beautiful woman using a mobile phone was a stroke of genius.”

coupleRaven-haired Consuela, 39, originally from Columbia, blushes as Ernest recounts their story.

“It happened in B&Q last week,” explains Ernest. “I was in the electrical aisle trying to work out the cost benefit of buying  an LED light bulb.”

“I had worked out that although the bulb will last seven years, when you take into account the higher upfront cost, you will only start to recoup that initial investment after four. It was at this point that I noticed Consuela had wandered off into soft furnishings.”

“I sent her a message; ‘Where R U’, using the letters R and U instead of the words ‘Are’ and ‘You’ to save time.”

“A few minutes later I found her next to the garden tools.”

Ernest met Consuela at an accountancy conference in Huddersfield. The couple married in Bogota last September.

Man eats salad in pub

by Amos Oddie

“I was amazed,” said publican Jessie Scraper, from the bar at the Bull and Thistle in Minchie.

“Most of our customers eat the pie or the fish but leave the salad,” explained Jessie. That was the case until last Thursday when an unnamed customer arrived from Glasgow driving a Peugeot.

He even ate the parsley

garnish

“He ordered the cod and chips, said Jessie. “But then I noticed he was eating the lettuce and the lemon with the chips. He even ate the sprig of parsley.”

Mr Scraper who has been landlord at the Bull since 1987, has helped to put Minchie on the map, not only with his easy-on-the-pocket family friendly menu, but also with his extensive range of craft whiskies.

The Bull and Thistle,rated as the fourth best pub in Minchie by TripAdvisor, has recently refurbished its toilets.

Regarding the eating habits of the metropolitan patrons and their fondness for salad, the Bull’s landlord simply said, “I suppose I’ll have to go to the Co-op and buy some more.”

Passenger dragged from plane

by Mungo MacIntyre, Cnocvulin Airport

On Thursday morning, airline staff on flight 001 from Cnocvulin airport acted decisively to deal with a difficult passenger.

‘The pilot just dragged him out of the cabin, it was shocking,’ said Noah McVeigh (49) of Minch Island.
“He wouldn’t leave the plane,” explained pilot Guillermo Corden

“There’s a tight schedule. We have to get from North Minch over to West Minch and back before lunch.”

plane

Mr Corden, who has been chief pilot and engineer with local airline Gadfly for six months, learnt to fly in Indonesia.

The unnamed passenger had apparently dozed off during the twelve minute flight between the mainland and North Minch and had to be prodded several times before exiting the plane.

This incident could not have come at a worse time for Cnocvulin airport, which is waiting to hear if its application to be renamed Cnocvulin International is to be approved by aviation authorities. Weekly flights to the Faroe Islands commenced last year

Trump takes over local golf course

by Mungo MacIntyre

“Its a much needed boost,” says mini-golf manager Vance Loft, speaking from the ticket booth of the Ochentosh Crazy Golf centre.

News that the esteemed Trump organisation is to pump millions of dollars into redeveloping the centre as a ‘luxury golfing experience’ is rapidly spreading through town. “To be honest we need investment,” says Loft. “String and chewing gum is all that’s holding the windmill on the seventh hole together.”

mini golfA five-star hotel, sauna, and conference centre are all being considered, according to manager Loft, who says negotiations with the Trump organisation are at an advanced stage.

Parish councillor, Anna Nettle (56) says council will do whatever it takes to seal the deal with the American property tycoon and president. “We’ll even offer Mr Trump the keys to the town. They’re mostly ceremonial, but he’ll get free parking in the Pay and Display and the right to kiss Miss Ochentosh at the Annual Fete.”

When asked, the Trump organisation said they were unable to confirm or deny the plans, but local golfer, Rae Boundy, 37, playing a round this morning with her daughter Tilly, 6, agreed: ‘It’s going to be a yuuuge success!’