by Mungo MacIntyre

As tensions rise on the Korean peninsula, I recall my first visit to North Korea in 2010 when I was granted an interview with the president himself…

Glorious leader

Greetings Comrades, I am Kim Jong Il the well known ‘Glorious Leader’ of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea.

We say ‘People’s Republic’, but you know we only use the term loosely. After all you don’t really want lots of ‘people’ running your republic with their dirty feet on the ‘peoples’ palace carpets and their snotty nosed kids wiping their hands on the ‘peoples’ nice new leather sofas.

North Korea has much in common with the UK. Not only do we both have unelected leaders, but we both like to tuck into a nice hot dog on a Saturday night.

The peoples football

I often play centre forward for the peoples’ team and, if I blow my own trumpet for a moment, I’m pretty handy. In one domestic game I scored six goals and everyone said I was a gifted player, even the referee. Of course sometimes I miss the goal and then I get a bit cranky and go back to the peoples’ palace, taking the peoples’ football with me. I am only human after all.

When I get cranky I like to relax with a summary execution. Last time the condemned man asked me if he could choose his firing squad. I said “Sure”. He wanted Emille Heskey, Wayne Rooney, and Frank Lampard. How we all laughed. Well I laughed, him not so much.