Category: World news

Carrier Armada Confusion

by Mungo MacIntyre

The confusion, last week,  about the direction of a US Carrier group is explained by this   transcript of intercept between White House and the US Navy.

CLASSIFIED ECHELON (REDACTED)

Transcript of satphone intercept: 1430 UTC MANILLA station 04152017

WHITE HOUSE SITUATION ROOM, WEST WING to CARRIER GROUP

POTUS:  This is President XXXXX. I need you to steam your boats over to North Korea in a frightening way.

CARRIER GROUP:  What? Really sir? We’re not even going in that direction.

POTUS:  Where are you now?

CARRIER GROUP:  Just past XXXXXXXX. Headed for Australia for an exercise

POTUS: Is Australia far from Korea?

CARRIER GROUP: Quite a long way sir, yes.

POTUS: …..Look the Aussies won’t mind. Their prime minister, Turnbuckle, is a sucker. Can you do Korea now? It’s bigly important. Spicer’s going to pop an artery if CNN bully him again. Bad!

CARRIER GROUP: The Aussies will be mad sir. They’ve put on a barbecue and everything.

POTUS: …….OK, here’s the plan; pop in on the Aussies. Say hi. Eat a few prawns. But get away as soon as you can. Make something up — I do it all the time. Then steam all the boats, the big one and all the little ones, back to Korea as fast as you can.

CARRIER GROUP: OK

POTUS: Have some jets take off like Top Gun. And, do me a favour, put the submarines on top of the water where everyone can see them.

CARRIER GROUP: If you’re sure?

POTUS:  Yeah I’m sure. Oh and… (INAUDIBLE)

CARRIER GROUP: What?

POTUS: …. The guys here are saying; make sure its North Korea you threaten and not South Korea. You guys know they’re different countries right?

CARRIER GROUP: Yep we know that, sir

POTUS: OK we have to be careful to get the right country. People are picky about that sort of thing. Also….

CARRIER GROUP:  What now?

POTUS: Can you drop into to the grocer’s and get a loaf of bread on the way back

Passenger dragged from plane

by Mungo MacIntyre, Cnocvulin Airport

On Thursday morning, airline staff on flight 001 from Cnocvulin airport acted decisively to deal with a difficult passenger.

‘The pilot just dragged him out of the cabin, it was shocking,’ said Noah McVeigh (49) of Minch Island.
“He wouldn’t leave the plane,” explained pilot Guillermo Corden

“There’s a tight schedule. We have to get from North Minch over to West Minch and back before lunch.”

plane

Mr Corden, who has been chief pilot and engineer with local airline Gadfly for six months, learnt to fly in Indonesia.

The unnamed passenger had apparently dozed off during the twelve minute flight between the mainland and North Minch and had to be prodded several times before exiting the plane.

This incident could not have come at a worse time for Cnocvulin airport, which is waiting to hear if its application to be renamed Cnocvulin International is to be approved by aviation authorities. Weekly flights to the Faroe Islands commenced last year

Trump takes over local golf course

by Mungo MacIntyre

“Its a much needed boost,” says mini-golf manager Vance Loft, speaking from the ticket booth of the Ochentosh Crazy Golf centre.

News that the esteemed Trump organisation is to pump millions of dollars into redeveloping the centre as a ‘luxury golfing experience’ is rapidly spreading through town. “To be honest we need investment,” says Loft. “String and chewing gum is all that’s holding the windmill on the seventh hole together.”

mini golfA five-star hotel, sauna, and conference centre are all being considered, according to manager Loft, who says negotiations with the Trump organisation are at an advanced stage.

Parish councillor, Anna Nettle (56) says council will do whatever it takes to seal the deal with the American property tycoon and president. “We’ll even offer Mr Trump the keys to the town. They’re mostly ceremonial, but he’ll get free parking in the Pay and Display and the right to kiss Miss Ochentosh at the Annual Fete.”

When asked, the Trump organisation said they were unable to confirm or deny the plans, but local golfer, Rae Boundy, 37, playing a round this morning with her daughter Tilly, 6, agreed: ‘It’s going to be a yuuuge success!’

North Korea’s football star

by Mungo MacIntyre

As tensions rise on the Korean peninsula, I recall my first visit to North Korea in 2010 when I was granted an interview with the president himself…

kim

Glorious leader

Greetings Comrades, I am Kim Jong Il the well known ‘Glorious Leader’ of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea.

We say ‘People’s Republic’, but you know we only use the term loosely. After all you don’t really want lots of ‘people’ running your republic with their dirty feet on the ‘peoples’ palace carpets and their snotty nosed kids wiping their hands on the ‘peoples’ nice new leather sofas.

North Korea has much in common with the UK. Not only do we both have unelected leaders, but we both like to tuck into a nice hot dog on a Saturday night.

Today we welcomed back to our home the victorious people’s football team. According to our fine national pamphlet the ‘Peoples Daily News’ the team won yet another World Cup. Bravo! They even defeated the woeful Portugese 7-nil. A triumph no doubt in part due to the coaching system I myself devised for the team. I got them to play with 14 forwards, 12 in midfield, and 2 in defence.
peoples_football

The peoples football

I often play centre forward for the peoples’ team and, if I blow my own trumpet for a moment, I’m pretty handy. In one domestic game I scored six goals and everyone said I was a gifted player, even the referee. Of course sometimes I miss the goal and then I get a bit cranky and go back to the peoples’ palace, taking the peoples’ football with me. I am only human after all.

When I get cranky I like to relax with a summary execution. Last time the condemned man asked me if he could choose his firing squad. I said “Sure”. He wanted Emille Heskey, Wayne Rooney, and Frank Lampard. How we all laughed. Well I laughed, him not so much.