Tagged: funny

Carrier Armada Confusion

by Mungo MacIntyre

The confusion, last week,  about the direction of a US Carrier group is explained by this   transcript of intercept between White House and the US Navy.

CLASSIFIED ECHELON (REDACTED)

Transcript of satphone intercept: 1430 UTC MANILLA station 04152017

WHITE HOUSE SITUATION ROOM, WEST WING to CARRIER GROUP

POTUS:  This is President XXXXX. I need you to steam your boats over to North Korea in a frightening way.

CARRIER GROUP:  What? Really sir? We’re not even going in that direction.

POTUS:  Where are you now?

CARRIER GROUP:  Just past XXXXXXXX. Headed for Australia for an exercise

POTUS: Is Australia far from Korea?

CARRIER GROUP: Quite a long way sir, yes.

POTUS: …..Look the Aussies won’t mind. Their prime minister, Turnbuckle, is a sucker. Can you do Korea now? It’s bigly important. Spicer’s going to pop an artery if CNN bully him again. Bad!

CARRIER GROUP: The Aussies will be mad sir. They’ve put on a barbecue and everything.

POTUS: …….OK, here’s the plan; pop in on the Aussies. Say hi. Eat a few prawns. But get away as soon as you can. Make something up — I do it all the time. Then steam all the boats, the big one and all the little ones, back to Korea as fast as you can.

CARRIER GROUP: OK

POTUS: Have some jets take off like Top Gun. And, do me a favour, put the submarines on top of the water where everyone can see them.

CARRIER GROUP: If you’re sure?

POTUS:  Yeah I’m sure. Oh and… (INAUDIBLE)

CARRIER GROUP: What?

POTUS: …. The guys here are saying; make sure its North Korea you threaten and not South Korea. You guys know they’re different countries right?

CARRIER GROUP: Yep we know that, sir

POTUS: OK we have to be careful to get the right country. People are picky about that sort of thing. Also….

CARRIER GROUP:  What now?

POTUS: Can you drop into to the grocer’s and get a loaf of bread on the way back

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Man finds bride using mobile phone

by Harry Beast

Minchie man, Ernest Crop, 62, wipes away a tear as he tells the heart-warming tale of how he found the love of his life using just his mobile phone.

“Marrying Consuela is the most fantastic thing that ever happened to me,” says Ernest, sitting next to his wife in the kitchen of their Minchie maisonette. Ernest works as a chartered accountant for a local firm.

“And to find this beautiful woman using a mobile phone was a stroke of genius.”

coupleRaven-haired Consuela, 39, originally from Columbia, blushes as Ernest recounts their story.

“It happened in B&Q last week,” explains Ernest. “I was in the electrical aisle trying to work out the cost benefit of buying  an LED light bulb.”

“I had worked out that although the bulb will last seven years, when you take into account the higher upfront cost, you will only start to recoup that initial investment after four. It was at this point that I noticed Consuela had wandered off into soft furnishings.”

“I sent her a message; ‘Where R U’, using the letters R and U instead of the words ‘Are’ and ‘You’ to save time.”

“A few minutes later I found her next to the garden tools.”

Ernest met Consuela at an accountancy conference in Huddersfield. The couple married in Bogota last September.

Man eats salad in pub

by Amos Oddie

“I was amazed,” said publican Jessie Scraper, from the bar at the Bull and Thistle in Minchie.

“Most of our customers eat the pie or the fish but leave the salad,” explained Jessie. That was the case until last Thursday when an unnamed customer arrived from Glasgow driving a Peugeot.

He even ate the parsley

garnish

“He ordered the cod and chips, said Jessie. “But then I noticed he was eating the lettuce and the lemon with the chips. He even ate the sprig of parsley.”

Mr Scraper who has been landlord at the Bull since 1987, has helped to put Minchie on the map, not only with his easy-on-the-pocket family friendly menu, but also with his extensive range of craft whiskies.

The Bull and Thistle,rated as the fourth best pub in Minchie by TripAdvisor, has recently refurbished its toilets.

Regarding the eating habits of the metropolitan patrons and their fondness for salad, the Bull’s landlord simply said, “I suppose I’ll have to go to the Co-op and buy some more.”

Passenger dragged from plane

by Mungo MacIntyre, Cnocvulin Airport

On Thursday morning, airline staff on flight 001 from Cnocvulin airport acted decisively to deal with a difficult passenger.

‘The pilot just dragged him out of the cabin, it was shocking,’ said Noah McVeigh (49) of Minch Island.
“He wouldn’t leave the plane,” explained pilot Guillermo Corden

“There’s a tight schedule. We have to get from North Minch over to West Minch and back before lunch.”

plane

Mr Corden, who has been chief pilot and engineer with local airline Gadfly for six months, learnt to fly in Indonesia.

The unnamed passenger had apparently dozed off during the twelve minute flight between the mainland and North Minch and had to be prodded several times before exiting the plane.

This incident could not have come at a worse time for Cnocvulin airport, which is waiting to hear if its application to be renamed Cnocvulin International is to be approved by aviation authorities. Weekly flights to the Faroe Islands commenced last year

Trump takes over local golf course

by Mungo MacIntyre

“Its a much needed boost,” says mini-golf manager Vance Loft, speaking from the ticket booth of the Ochentosh Crazy Golf centre.

News that the esteemed Trump organisation is to pump millions of dollars into redeveloping the centre as a ‘luxury golfing experience’ is rapidly spreading through town. “To be honest we need investment,” says Loft. “String and chewing gum is all that’s holding the windmill on the seventh hole together.”

mini golfA five-star hotel, sauna, and conference centre are all being considered, according to manager Loft, who says negotiations with the Trump organisation are at an advanced stage.

Parish councillor, Anna Nettle (56) says council will do whatever it takes to seal the deal with the American property tycoon and president. “We’ll even offer Mr Trump the keys to the town. They’re mostly ceremonial, but he’ll get free parking in the Pay and Display and the right to kiss Miss Ochentosh at the Annual Fete.”

When asked, the Trump organisation said they were unable to confirm or deny the plans, but local golfer, Rae Boundy, 37, playing a round this morning with her daughter Tilly, 6, agreed: ‘It’s going to be a yuuuge success!’

Why are New Zealand so good at football?

Baa, We’re Dolly the sheep the well known cloned, wooly, ruminant mammals from New Zealand.

We hear that in Australia you are struggling to understand the rules of soccer. Is a blatant handball on the goal line allowed or not? Why is a two futted flying-kick into the back of a hapless sausage-muncher a red card? Why do the drop-kicks have to go under the bar into a nit? It’s hard, usn’t ut, to comprihund the rules of the world game. Imagine then, how ut uz for us, as the new soccer Winderkund nation. Not only do we not know one end of a shun pad from the other, we are ipparently gufted at the sport! Strange for a nation which is ugnorant of the FILA World Cup. Obviously we know some things; we know that the FILA world cup takes place every year, and we know that England are good at penalty shoot-outs, especially their star striker Emille Husky. Anyhow, our good bro Chup, has asked us to run his tupping comp. Did you tup Portugal to stuff siven past North Korea? Are you predicting a warm welcome from Kum Jong Ul when the plucky Koreans return to their glorious homeland? We have keyed in the results with our little even-toed ungulate hooves but we may have made some mistakes so please chuck. Dolly and Dolly