Tagged: president

Carrier Armada Confusion

by Mungo MacIntyre

The confusion, last week,  about the direction of a US Carrier group is explained by this   transcript of intercept between White House and the US Navy.

CLASSIFIED ECHELON (REDACTED)

Transcript of satphone intercept: 1430 UTC MANILLA station 04152017

WHITE HOUSE SITUATION ROOM, WEST WING to CARRIER GROUP

POTUS:  This is President XXXXX. I need you to steam your boats over to North Korea in a frightening way.

CARRIER GROUP:  What? Really sir? We’re not even going in that direction.

POTUS:  Where are you now?

CARRIER GROUP:  Just past XXXXXXXX. Headed for Australia for an exercise

POTUS: Is Australia far from Korea?

CARRIER GROUP: Quite a long way sir, yes.

POTUS: …..Look the Aussies won’t mind. Their prime minister, Turnbuckle, is a sucker. Can you do Korea now? It’s bigly important. Spicer’s going to pop an artery if CNN bully him again. Bad!

CARRIER GROUP: The Aussies will be mad sir. They’ve put on a barbecue and everything.

POTUS: …….OK, here’s the plan; pop in on the Aussies. Say hi. Eat a few prawns. But get away as soon as you can. Make something up — I do it all the time. Then steam all the boats, the big one and all the little ones, back to Korea as fast as you can.

CARRIER GROUP: OK

POTUS: Have some jets take off like Top Gun. And, do me a favour, put the submarines on top of the water where everyone can see them.

CARRIER GROUP: If you’re sure?

POTUS:  Yeah I’m sure. Oh and… (INAUDIBLE)

CARRIER GROUP: What?

POTUS: …. The guys here are saying; make sure its North Korea you threaten and not South Korea. You guys know they’re different countries right?

CARRIER GROUP: Yep we know that, sir

POTUS: OK we have to be careful to get the right country. People are picky about that sort of thing. Also….

CARRIER GROUP:  What now?

POTUS: Can you drop into to the grocer’s and get a loaf of bread on the way back

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Trump takes over local golf course

by Mungo MacIntyre

“Its a much needed boost,” says mini-golf manager Vance Loft, speaking from the ticket booth of the Ochentosh Crazy Golf centre.

News that the esteemed Trump organisation is to pump millions of dollars into redeveloping the centre as a ‘luxury golfing experience’ is rapidly spreading through town. “To be honest we need investment,” says Loft. “String and chewing gum is all that’s holding the windmill on the seventh hole together.”

mini golfA five-star hotel, sauna, and conference centre are all being considered, according to manager Loft, who says negotiations with the Trump organisation are at an advanced stage.

Parish councillor, Anna Nettle (56) says council will do whatever it takes to seal the deal with the American property tycoon and president. “We’ll even offer Mr Trump the keys to the town. They’re mostly ceremonial, but he’ll get free parking in the Pay and Display and the right to kiss Miss Ochentosh at the Annual Fete.”

When asked, the Trump organisation said they were unable to confirm or deny the plans, but local golfer, Rae Boundy, 37, playing a round this morning with her daughter Tilly, 6, agreed: ‘It’s going to be a yuuuge success!’